Married 26M LDR, wife wants to be stay at home. Sacrifice paying mortgage early for a kid?

[light4]

@cs1000 After reading the comments, I'm 100% having her as stay at home mom since it offset the cost by folds and quality of care ofc.

 

[mhiriam]

@light4 I have a kid in college so I’ll share my experience- Every combination of parent and child has different needs. Some kids are active and need an environment with other kids and stuff to do. Some need a quiet place and parent on hand. Some are special needs. If you have kids, come up with a plan but also be prepared to be flexible.

It’s important for a kid to feel you are present, love them, and engage with them. It’s also impossible to guess what a given kids needs perfectly.

A potentially controversial opinion I have is it’s at least as important to have someone around in HS than for the littles.

 

[strongbelieverinchrist]

@light4 Adding more comment yes she’ll save you so much more and the benefit to your children’s well being is immense. Hands down do it

And also take care of and love that woman for all she does for your family

 

[terrihoop]

@light4 You guys married and this info is surprising to you?? But anyways...

My wife always had the option of being a housewife before kids, and we discussed before getting married / having kids that we wanted a parent at home when we do have kids.

Childcare is expensive. It makes no sense for my wife to work because all the income would just directly feed into daycare costs.

Also most people move out of their first house. People always assume their first home is going to be their forever home, but for the majority of folks it won't be.

 

[katie27]

@light4 It depends how you view life and how she views life. Work is partly money but it’s also being a part of something or having purpose. Only you and your wife would know the impact of not working and how that’d impact your wife. The money is somewhat secondary.

As long as you guys combined make more than you spend and have some emergency funds that’s all that really matters. There’s nothing more important than a kid being taken care of. If she’s WILLiNG to be a stay at home mom consider yourself lucky. Having one parent at home able to take care of stuff is a true luxury that can’t be explained in monetary terms. It should relax your mind and let you focus on crushing it at work. If you’re only 26 your earning potential is a lot and with hard work and dedication to wtv career you are in i’m sure it can be much higher. Having your spouse take care of at home so you can focus on that is quite valuable.

That’s what my wife and I plan to do. We have a kid on the way. And she’ll be stay at home after he’s born.

 

[bluejacketslunatic]

@light4 My wife went part time after kid one and then quit when #2 was born. I would not have been on board with her quitting before the first kid was born.

 

[sistermaria]

@light4 This is ridiculous. She wants to be a housewife? Lol are you okay financing that dream?

 

[light4]

@sistermaria I'm conflicted. Not to discredit her, but her work revolves around minimum wage and if she went to healthcare industry, It might take like 2-3 years of her studying and part-time job while I support the family. So I'm weighting it now basically to the cost of childcare vs ROI of her working.

 

[sistermaria]

@light4 Her focus should be on education if she’s only working part time. I’m just confused with your age why y’all aren’t a dual income.

 

[light4]

@sistermaria We "technically" are, she currently lives in Ireland with her Family and waiting for our spouse visa papers for her to get here then we can focus more on combining our finances, as to right now when we tried it doesn't make much sense.

She currently takes home about ~$18,000/yr, and she got bills to pay on the other side of the country.

 

[gowdy]

@light4 Can she even legally work with a spouse visa?

 

[light4]

@gowdy She's gonna be a green card holder by then, so I would assume yes.

 

[gowdy]

@light4 Dude don’t assume. Figure it out. And even if she’s legally allowed to work, she’ll have no work experience or references in the US. You don’t seem to be conscious of the big adjustments your wife will be going through and how vulnerable she’ll be at first in a new home country. Y’all need to communicate and come up with a reasonable plan forward that you both agree to. Your single minded focus on paying off your mortgage in 5 vs 8 years when you have all of these other big life changes happening is odd. Your expectation that she’ll just step off the plane and hit the ground running and slide into your life plan with no ideas of her own is wild.

 

[light4]

@gowdy https://www.dhs.gov/get-green-card

A Green Card holder is a permanent resident that has been granted authorization to live and work in the United States on a permanent basis. As proof of that status, U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services (USCIS) grants a person a permanent resident card, commonly called a "Green Card."

We already have 3 plans in motion.

1. USCIS working on her green card, 11 months in, handled all the papers and legalities.
2. Annual international trip budget allocation to UK and Ireland to see her relatives every christmas and summer.
3. I have formed connection with hospitals and friends if she ever wants referrals if she decided to pursue nursing, not only that but I have reserved $30,000 for her tuition if ever, where I worked 80+ hours last year per week for that.

4th is we are still planning how to go about the financial adjustment and priorities(kids). What I'm asking here is what OTHERS HAVE DONE, I haven't made a decision yet that's why I'm trying to gather information.

If I came on as a boastful guy who is downplaying the situation, and not sacrificing anything at all, then I don't know what else to say.

EDIT: to add to this, We've tried having her stay here for 3 months every year and see if she likes it. Just to make sure she can adjust gradually.

 

[gowdy]

@light4 We know what a green card is, but your wife doesn’t even have one yet so worrying about how soon she’ll start working is a moot point. I’m not sure how trips back home will help with her transition to the US. And you making contacts at a hospital might be a start at networking but aren’t job references for your wife. And if you’re saving money for tuition, then she doesn’t have the requisite skills for the jobs anyway. I’m not trying to bust your chops. But maybe slow down, take things step by step and include your wife in the planning. Asking what others have done doesn’t necessarily apply for your particular set of circumstances. There may be a subreddit for green card spouses /families that can give you more guidance and support.

 

[light4]

@gowdy Apologies if that came out of nowhere.

I think with your advice, I appreciate the reminder of slowing down. I did include her on the plan, but we haven't really have like a long talk. We have more of a what make sense talk, but I don't think we had any deep thoughts. I'm more of a logical, she's more of emotional, that's our dynamic. I'll keep it in mind, thanks.

 

[heartofholiness]

@light4 18k will barely pay for daycare. She could work until baby arrives then stay home until kid goes to kindergarten

 

[sistermaria]

@light4 You don’t even have children yet. I think if you are okay being an ATM her not working makes sense. If you desire a partnership and a partner who has goals and aspirations, I would not suggest this lifestyle.

 

[light4]

@sistermaria I hear you, I'm on the same page as her focusing on career while we don't have any kids.

 

[marcolovesjesus]

@light4 What is she considering for healthcare jobs?