Looking for opinions on shared finances in my relationship

[theologypoet]

@trang1966 This is a great perspective, thank you

 

[alwayscurious]

@theologypoet Then it’s not all “our money”. Why does he feel that he needs to bank money separately. You say you manage the finances, do you have the final say in money management decisions?

 

[theologypoet]

@alwayscurious I think perhaps he feels that I do. This is a good discussion point for me to raise with him

 

[christydee]

@theologypoet I think the best option here is you keep separate accounts and then each put a certain amount per month into a joint account to use for joint expenses. Ie if your total expenses are about 4k per month, then you should each contribute 2k into the joint account.

This is what my husband and I did when initially married, before we bought our house. When we bought our house and got pregnant, he was being paid weekly and I was getting paid monthly, so it was just easier to dump all our money into joint accounts (his salary technically covers day to day costs while I use mine for house updates or to build our savings etc)

However, I think your partner is being silly because he never had a problem with using your money that you earned. And it's definitely more of a relationship discussion than strictly financial, especially since a lot of relationship issues start with financial disagreements.

Specifically, what does he think he's going to do with 30k per year? Take solo holidays and leave you alone? It seems there is more going on and it isn't fair to you.

 

[johnnyusa59]

@christydee Yeah seconding this.

I don’t think it’s bad to have separate money at all as long as everyone is contributing to shared goal.

In my relationship, my partner and I each have our own regular checking and savings and a HYSA. Together we have a joint checking account for shared expenses which are connected to specific shared credit cards.

We’re planning to buy a house soon so we’ll get a joint HYSA to pay into specifically for emergency house funds.

We aren’t married but no plans to fully merge finances. If we have children and one of us isn’t working, we would still have separate accounts with the working partner also contributing to the non working partners savings/retirement.

We currently make the same amount but if someone was making more money, we’d discuss different percentages contributions to the shared account. I would consider side hustle money as part of that income.

 

[nhule8805]

@johnnyusa59 Dating and marriage are totally different. Your “partner” is legally nothing to you. The way one acts in marriage is different so your life isn’t really a good model to follow herez

 

[johnnyusa59]

@nhule8805 Ok.

 

[christydee]

@johnnyusa59 I would add that at a certain threshold it probably doesn't make sense to do percentages based on income. Particularly because OP's husband is already being weird about his extra money coming in. I'd vote split everything 50/50 and determine what is a joint expense and what is "individual" and should come from their own savings accounts. If splitting by percentages than the extra 30k should absolutely count towards your husband's total income.

 

[johnnyusa59]

@christydee Yeah that’s fair. I just have no idea what their expenses are. If they’re high enough, the 130K vs 170K might actually be a noticeable difference? But who knows.

 

[kumartwitt]

@christydee This system works when there's at least near-peer salaries, but I find that the exact opposite works best for me and my family. I make ~3x what my wife makes, but we agreed early on to mingle our finances and we would contribute 100% into the household pot and get to keep a flat 200$/paycheck as our own spending money.

This puts on equal footing in terms of "lets go out to dinner" or "I want to buy a video game console" or "OMG, shoez" and there are no hard feelings - my allowance lets me buy what I want, she can spend her money how she sees fit. We still have the occasional "I want to buy this thing that's on sale right now, but don't have the cash, can I 'borrow' from the joint account until next month" and the partner has to agree. it's a rubber stamp, mostly, but that gives a bit of a check and balance.

No one's allowed to open new credit cards, take out loans, etc without consulting the other. It's a pretty good partnership in my mind, and we are able to support each other whiel still accomplishing all our other financial goals (vacations, new vehicles, home renos, etc).

We both recently got a pair of decent raises last year, so we're going to bump up the allowance to 300/paycheck as a treat

 

[rtyaerstq3cfdsqvwvvwrtbh]

@theologypoet I agree with your perspective that total compensation is total compensation, especially under the guise of active debt repayment. Maybe take a complete 50/50 view of it all by providing each of you with an equal allowance, so that he can still have an increase in his non-essential purchases, while still apply some of this increase towards shared holidays and debt?

 

[justin_sd]

@theologypoet From his point of view, he saying that he put all his salary in but he wants more for whatever it is he wants so he’s working extra to get that. If you say thank you I’ll take all that for the household budget then he’ll say I guess I just won’t do that. Like, if he had some kind of hobby, he wanted to spend his money on. It makes sense that he works extra to fund it.

 

[afroman47]

@theologypoet In this case I feel like what your husband is interested in isn't necessarily to keep all of the extra income he generates but rather that he wants to have an increased discretionary spending budget and likely isn't very clear communicating that.

I could also see a situation where he is intent on starting a business of some kind with employees and wants/needs to keep that income separate for tax purposes and/or reinvestment into growth. If that's the case then the income belongs to neither spouse and instead belongs to the company. Disbursements of earnings would be joint income which would probably tie back into the first paragraph.

Edit: All the other comments appear to be bashing your husband and complaining about your relationship (as reddit always does). I feel like we're likely not getting a complete picture and I'm confident your husband isn't communicating effectively what he wants.

 

[theologypoet]

@afroman47 I think you may be right with your first point, which I’m keen to explore with him. I know our financial mindsets don’t necessarily align.

With regards to your second point, he’s a musician so it’s playing gigs at about $100-$150 an hour and there’s very little outgoing expenses.