Looking for opinions on shared finances in my relationship

[theologypoet]

My partner and I have been together a long time. Our earnings have always been shared. There is no ‘my money’ and ‘his money’ it’s all our money.

Currently, I earn $170k p.a., and he has just started earning $100k p.a.

We have debt, expenses, and a mortgage. I manage our finances and we live to a budget.

That’s the background and I hope I’ve set enough of the scene.

The question I have is this -

My husband has started doing a side gig that brings in about $30k p.a. I started factoring that into the budget to reduce debt, increase savings, etc. but he wants to keep it. His justification is that it’s earned outside of working hours. The fact that I earn more is different, because that’s just my day job - it’s not extra income.

1. Do you think what he’s saying is right, that since it’s earned in his own time he should be able to keep the income? And
2. Is what he’s saying right that it doesn’t matter that I earn more, because that’s my primary income.

I don’t necessarily disagree with him, but wanted to know other people’s opinions on the matter. It would be nice to use that $30k towards debt reduction and savings, and maybe a holiday. It bothers me because I don’t have capacity to earn additional income either (or not to that extent), but if I did it would be to add into the shared benefits.

Again, I don’t disagree with him, but I’m not sure where I land on whether it’s fair.

Opinions? Thoughts? Ridicule? I’m open to everything and anything.

 

[lilbrenda]

@theologypoet I'll keep it quick and short, but if I was in your situation, I would definitely assume the extra money would be treated just like all other money... communal and to be used towards debt and savings.

 

[richeze33]

@lilbrenda This is the answer. OP is not in the wrong to assume it's contributing to the general fund and budget for it. Realistically, this just needs to be a conversation for a better understanding of what husband's goals are. If the money is not consistent, or is looking to be reinvested into said side hustle then those things should be taken into consideration.

We've had a variety of side gigs, extra money through the years that we have collectively agreed do not go into standard budget, but usually are set aside for vacations, house projects, or reinvestment into specific hobbies. Ex, my husband bought a 3D printer and sold minis, the money of which went back to buying more resins/items to make 3D printing easier.

 

[tracyx4]

@lilbrenda Yes, and maybe OP and their husband need to align on big ticket goals and incorporate personal slush funds for both of them into the budget. But to treat that side income differently so only one person gets a big chunk of spending money is totally unfair.

 

[goingcrazy]

@tracyx4 This is the answer.

 

[hedgywah]

@theologypoet Sorry dude, that isn't how marriage works. OP, your husband cannot keep his own separate stash. This is crazy. It doesn't matter if it's earned 9-5 or 5-9, it is a collective pot. Let's just start there. Crazy idea, you can't go along with it.

With that said, it sounds like you aren't actually on the same page with finances. If I'm reading this situation right, he got a second job so that he could have more of a say where the money goes. This tells me that his needs aren't being addressed by the ordinary household budget. To that end, I would say...

He needs to feel like a real partner in the budget planning. Are you lording your high salary over him? Are you maybe the "saver" out of the two of you and portray yourself as more responsible and morally superior because of it?

If you aren't doing those things, then it should be a honest, open financial partnership, as is warranted in a marriage. And if you have that kind of partnership he has zero reason to try and keep some money to the side. Not that it would be acceptable if he had a reason, but we don't even want there to be a reason.

The two of you need to have honest cooperation with each other, and you both need to be all-in. To try it another way is practically, legally, and morally frought.

 

[draysmom]

@hedgywah 100% agree. There’s no reason for him to have a separate stash for this. But…… If it were as simple as OP presents they wouldn't be on here asking. The two of them would have compromised with some of it going towards hubby‘s wants and some going toward family needs and goals. There’s likely more going on here. Who incurred the debt? Was it wifey living high on the hog and he didn’t mind as much because it was her high salary paying for it? Was it hubby who spent above his earnings and as soon as they get close to getting out of the hole, he’s forgotten and wants to do whatever he likes again? I do think there’s an element of hubby has taken on extra work and would like would like something to show for it other than his wife’s desires. If it were me working more to pay off debt I would be happy with most of it going there and some part of it being “reward” money for me to do as I please with.

 

[labonall]

@hedgywah exactly my thoughts

OP needs to understand more where the need for "his" money comes from

what I see happening in some couples is that they have "our" money, BUT:

• the wife decides when to go out, which restaurant to go to etc.
• the wife decides travel destination and vacation format, the husband runs around taking beach pictures for her instagram
• the wife decides how to decorate the house, the husband and his stuff are banished to "man cave" or garage
• the wife has a bigger closet and designer clothes in it, partly because she cares about it more and he doesn't but nevertheless
• the wife gets a new bmw, while husband keeps driving his old truck because he loves it and so on

so while it's "our" money and he does get to participate in the restaurants, trips and use the house, nobody is technically stopping him from buying designer clothing or a brand new car - realistically none of it feels truly his

this might be even more exaggerated when she is in charge of the budget and triple exaggerated when she is the main breadwinner

not saying that's the dynamic here and it is possible that hubby is just a greedy bastard, but that's at least something to consider

 

[theologypoet]

@labonall This is a good perspective too, thank you

 

[labonall]

@theologypoet no problem

honestly it could even be deeper than that, I know couples where the wife eventually sets the course for the entire lifestyle, like wanting to move into a bigger house in a better neighborhood, making Sunday brunches a thing, relocating to bigger city on the coast and so on and that drives the budget, the debt, and all of the allocations

and even with all gender equality progress I still don't know a man in 2024 who is not at least a little bit intimidated by the wife out earning him and as a result ends up maybe biting his tongue instead of speaking up when the budget, the money, the entire lifestyle, life goals and direction gradually become less and less aligned with his true self. Yes, you might be doing a great job at making sure the $800,000 mortgage gets paid on time, but he just wanted to have some money for his beer brewing project and not live in a mcmansion

just a guess, I don't know if any of it applies to your situation in any way

 

[theologypoet]

@labonall It doesn’t apply for the most part, but the sentiment is right.

He would love a “live now, you only die with money in the bank” type of life, whereas I want to be in a position to save shit tonnes so we can live now without borrowing for it.

 

[mrexpress]

@labonall I appreciate this perspective.

 

[resjudicata]

@hedgywah I don’t know if the OP clarified whether or not they’re married but maybe I’m just reading too far into the use of the term “partner” instead of spouse.

 

[hedgywah]

@resjudicata OP used the term "husband," like halfway down so I was going with married

 

[resjudicata]

@hedgywah There it is! Thanks for catching that - I missed that one apparently.

 

[resjudicata]

@hedgywah Happy cake day!

 

[theologypoet]

@resjudicata To clarify - together over 25yrs, but not legally married. Kids house and all the trimmings, so essentially married in the eyes of the law, just not the piece of paper. We often refer to each other as husband and wife because “boyfriend” just sounds odd at this point.

 

[lemoene]

@theologypoet Whose debt? who will the savings benefit? Likely both of you so….put the 30K into the pot. You can’t have it both ways. Besides, you’re the higher earner so you likely having been carrying the heavier load. He’s being… well… you know…

 

[resjudicata]

@theologypoet Yup, looks like you get an extra 70K a year to yourself then.

 

[jimhempel]

@resjudicata So long as he gets some discretionary spending that he seeks and they can afford expenses on that $200k I'm sure that's fine with them