@resjudicata All within 2 years. What a plan!
Kids
- Thread starter perpetuah
- Start date
@perpetuah Question: Does he actually want children? I understand from this post that this is important to you, but is fatherhood important to him?
@giveheart He says it is, I can't help but believe that deep down it is something he wants but now with this at play, I question if this is an "excuse".
@perpetuah You could always adopt in 2-5 years when you're more stable if that's something you and your SO are okay with, and there's also IVF. Best of luck.
mrshomemaker
New member
@perpetuah You can raise kids with the bare minimum. A roof over their head, food on the table, second hand or free clothes (you can get them from your local buy nothing groups), public school cost very little, there’s Medicaid, food stamps, WIC, subsidized childcare etc. You can just scrape by day to day. The question is do you want to bring a baby into that environment? Only you can answer that question.
porcelainrose
New member
@mrshomemaker And people should not be having children with a plan to rely on assistance. It’s not ethical nor is it practical. We are all just one government shut down away from never getting help again.
yellowriver
New member
@perpetuah Why don't you wait and adopt? It's quite selfish to the baby considering the relationship rarely lasts through a newborn AND financial hardships, let alone the disconnection one side will feel when they have to pick up more shifts and spend less time with the family so you can afford necessities for said baby.
@yellowriver It costs a lot of money to adopt. I'm not sure about how fostering works- maybe that's an option?
@perpetuah OP, I can’t begin to tell you how much I feel for your post. Both my spouse are in agreements that we want to have children, but we also are aware of how difficult it will be for us to financially take on. I too have questionable fertility (PCOS) so there’s an ongoing fear to the “if” that will happen for us. My heart goes out to you!
joyfulsong
New member
@perpetuah I have friends who are struggling to pay for IVF. They did a TON of research and found loopholes and ways to make things happen with their insurance. If you have insurance, start there.
You have some time to work with. I don't know how old you are, but women often have more time than we think or are made to believe. Take this time to get yourselves ready. What is going to help lift you out of poverty before taking on something that could cripple your chances to get out? A certificate or degree? Moving jobs or areas of possible? Do you have support where you are or is there family nearby who can help?
Secondly here, I want to say that anyone who was raised in poverty is absolutely allowed to feel the way they do about their childhood. We all wish things were different. However, my childhood was a rollercoaster of finances. I am the youngest of 8. When I was really little we had nothing. No money, a 2 bedroom one bath house to live in that was always almost foreclosed. When I got to fourth grade, my mother graduated medical school and suddenly we could breathe and do things and my parents weren't stressed. But by the time I was in high school they had fallen into addictions and the money was almost always gone and it hurt. Poverty can hit us whenever, wherever- especially in the states. But doing what we can to get out is the best thing we can do right now.
Years ago I wanted kids. And my OBGYN gave me the best advice. Starting right now, act as if you are pregnant or could be at any moment. What decisions will you make? What foods will you eat? What vitamins will you take? How will you nest and prepare your home for a little one? Take the time to nest. To prepare. It may seem like a baby is SO far away, but in reality time will move regardless of what you are doing and you might as well enjoy it.
So as a run-down/ TLDR; start looking now for insurance, insurance loopholes, and grants for people looking into fertility measures. Try to imagine life a year or two from now with an infant. What do you want that to look like? What can you do to better your life right now? Go in that direction. Find a support system as that is paramount to success. It's going to be okay.
You have some time to work with. I don't know how old you are, but women often have more time than we think or are made to believe. Take this time to get yourselves ready. What is going to help lift you out of poverty before taking on something that could cripple your chances to get out? A certificate or degree? Moving jobs or areas of possible? Do you have support where you are or is there family nearby who can help?
Secondly here, I want to say that anyone who was raised in poverty is absolutely allowed to feel the way they do about their childhood. We all wish things were different. However, my childhood was a rollercoaster of finances. I am the youngest of 8. When I was really little we had nothing. No money, a 2 bedroom one bath house to live in that was always almost foreclosed. When I got to fourth grade, my mother graduated medical school and suddenly we could breathe and do things and my parents weren't stressed. But by the time I was in high school they had fallen into addictions and the money was almost always gone and it hurt. Poverty can hit us whenever, wherever- especially in the states. But doing what we can to get out is the best thing we can do right now.
Years ago I wanted kids. And my OBGYN gave me the best advice. Starting right now, act as if you are pregnant or could be at any moment. What decisions will you make? What foods will you eat? What vitamins will you take? How will you nest and prepare your home for a little one? Take the time to nest. To prepare. It may seem like a baby is SO far away, but in reality time will move regardless of what you are doing and you might as well enjoy it.
So as a run-down/ TLDR; start looking now for insurance, insurance loopholes, and grants for people looking into fertility measures. Try to imagine life a year or two from now with an infant. What do you want that to look like? What can you do to better your life right now? Go in that direction. Find a support system as that is paramount to success. It's going to be okay.
@perpetuah You have a limited timeline, he does not. If he’s in a better place financially in 5 years he can go find someone new and have a kid.
You don’t have that option.
I hope he’s a great guy and he’d never do that to you, but it’s a reality that he is the only one with flexibility here. No one can tell you what to do, but when you’re having these discussions, making these critical, life altering choices don’t lose sight of the fact the stakes are not equal.
You don’t have that option.
I hope he’s a great guy and he’d never do that to you, but it’s a reality that he is the only one with flexibility here. No one can tell you what to do, but when you’re having these discussions, making these critical, life altering choices don’t lose sight of the fact the stakes are not equal.
@perpetuah You both are not compatible, period.
Find someone that no matter what, wants children.
You just want children no matter what. But don’t do it with someone that clearly does not feel the same way YOU do.
Marriage, children etc, are all yes or no. Is a dealbreaker.
I chose not to have children but I let go people that wanted them. Because it’d be selfish to keep going in a relationship and make them be a certain way when they do not feel they should.
Find someone that no matter what, wants children.
You just want children no matter what. But don’t do it with someone that clearly does not feel the same way YOU do.
Marriage, children etc, are all yes or no. Is a dealbreaker.
I chose not to have children but I let go people that wanted them. Because it’d be selfish to keep going in a relationship and make them be a certain way when they do not feel they should.
@omeiza I respect that 100%. I am glad I'm finding this out now. I know that's something I REALLY need to think about the next week/month. We've built an entire life in the last decade+, including just moving into a home. I agree it would be absolutely selfish on his part (and mine for the opposite reason), not to mention unfair. I need to have these deep, dark conversations with him regardless of the outcome so I don't get further down the line and it be for not.
@perpetuah Yes! For sure, we are born to make choices and to live life how we desire.
The perfect ideal world does not exist, but if we can all make our lives easier, more peaceful, less stressful by choices that we want to achieve or do.
Then why not. It helps avoid unnecessary situations or drama. Life’s hard af already.
I always did my best to be hella honest from the beginning, because from the start, that is how you know who wants what and not just saying it because they want to be with you or want to change your mind.
Live authentic
The perfect ideal world does not exist, but if we can all make our lives easier, more peaceful, less stressful by choices that we want to achieve or do.
Then why not. It helps avoid unnecessary situations or drama. Life’s hard af already.
I always did my best to be hella honest from the beginning, because from the start, that is how you know who wants what and not just saying it because they want to be with you or want to change your mind.
Live authentic
@perpetuah Maybe you are with the wrong guy.
I could never be with someone who told me basically no you don't get to be a mom. You have to decide how important they are to you. If you both wanted them you could make it work. Make some changes new jobs etc. If you are in dead end jobs get out. Find more affordable housing. It's out there. Depends on where you live tho. 1 kid is doable for most people especially if 2 people are working. Might have to move locations. I moved from Florida to the Midwest. We are much better able to afford family life here vs Florida.
Childcare is the most expensive part. Both of you ideally should be brainstorming ways to increase your income. If you could work opposite shifts childcare wouldn't even be an issue. This depends on what your current jobs are. There are expensive ways to raise kids and there are not. For the younger years you can most def get away with hand me downs and discount stuff. Your kid won't even know the difference. It's also ok to tell your kid no to every want and desire they have. My teens works for stuff she has for the extras because didn't want to raise a kid with her hand out saying gimme. Next year when she's 15 she's gonna be getting her 1st part time job.
We eat at home a lot we buy discount stuff still. My kids prefer to shop at goodwill over retail etc. You can raise kids with a frugal mindset. We make ok money def not rich but there are some things we have to save for and my kids know this. Better than some kids I see whose parents hand them a credit card and buy them a brand new car when they turn 16. Those kids are spoiled and entitled.
I had my 1st kid 14 years ago we have more than doubled our income since that time. Don't stay stagnant kids or no kids always be looking for ways to increase your standard of living. Never settle for poverty. Make your budget see where you stand and take steps to make more money. Don't stay in one position too long keep moving to increase your salary. If you both work 2 jobs to save up to boost your savings then do it. Just until you find something better. I have a full time job and then I babysit and my husband has a full-time job and he door dashes. Make sure your 2nd job is something you enjoy easier to stick with. I love kids so it works for me. We prioritize our kids and their needs. We aren't rich but our kids have everything they need plus some extras. We are planning a camping trip soon. You can live a full life with kids even if you aren't rich.
I could never be with someone who told me basically no you don't get to be a mom. You have to decide how important they are to you. If you both wanted them you could make it work. Make some changes new jobs etc. If you are in dead end jobs get out. Find more affordable housing. It's out there. Depends on where you live tho. 1 kid is doable for most people especially if 2 people are working. Might have to move locations. I moved from Florida to the Midwest. We are much better able to afford family life here vs Florida.
Childcare is the most expensive part. Both of you ideally should be brainstorming ways to increase your income. If you could work opposite shifts childcare wouldn't even be an issue. This depends on what your current jobs are. There are expensive ways to raise kids and there are not. For the younger years you can most def get away with hand me downs and discount stuff. Your kid won't even know the difference. It's also ok to tell your kid no to every want and desire they have. My teens works for stuff she has for the extras because didn't want to raise a kid with her hand out saying gimme. Next year when she's 15 she's gonna be getting her 1st part time job.
We eat at home a lot we buy discount stuff still. My kids prefer to shop at goodwill over retail etc. You can raise kids with a frugal mindset. We make ok money def not rich but there are some things we have to save for and my kids know this. Better than some kids I see whose parents hand them a credit card and buy them a brand new car when they turn 16. Those kids are spoiled and entitled.
I had my 1st kid 14 years ago we have more than doubled our income since that time. Don't stay stagnant kids or no kids always be looking for ways to increase your standard of living. Never settle for poverty. Make your budget see where you stand and take steps to make more money. Don't stay in one position too long keep moving to increase your salary. If you both work 2 jobs to save up to boost your savings then do it. Just until you find something better. I have a full time job and then I babysit and my husband has a full-time job and he door dashes. Make sure your 2nd job is something you enjoy easier to stick with. I love kids so it works for me. We prioritize our kids and their needs. We aren't rich but our kids have everything they need plus some extras. We are planning a camping trip soon. You can live a full life with kids even if you aren't rich.