Kids

[perpetuah]

So let me just start by saying… I know this post is going to sound a bit selfish and I apologize in advance but I’m annoyed. Just over it. I have been going to a doctor regarding seeing where I stand to have kids. My s/o and I talked in depth about it. I thought we had reached a different understanding regarding my fertility issues/struggles and our timeline…needless to say, today he was basically like: I can’t promise we will have kids in the next year let alone 2 years or 5 years. I can’t promise you anything. We can’t afford it. It’s absolutely a no-go.

It sucks being broke and always having no money. I know we’re struggling and have financial issues, I’m not naïve. I know it stupid to want a child in this situation but gd dmn. I am so tired of the mental pull... I have always wanted a kid. Both of us are getting older, my lab work re:fertility is coming back and it’s not good. My doctor is telling me to start trying now if I want a kid and I finally thought we were stable enough to start trying…. But then this conversation. I totally get why but it still hurts. I don’t have 2 or 5 years to try. My doctor is telling me now, or within the next year at the latest. Which according to him is off the table.

Idk why I’m even posting here I just don’t have anyone I can talk to about it… and definitely not without crying. It just sucks. Thanks for listening to me vent. Advice or relatable comments welcome. I guess I’m trying to figure out how everyone else that has kids does it and if it’s really that difficult overall financially speaking.

 

[propianotuner]

@perpetuah Maybe both of you try to increase your income while lowering your expenses over the next 6 months then reevaluate.

 

[sarada]

@perpetuah I feel for you, I really do, but I was one of those kids that grew up poor/with the bare minimum and it wasn't nice, the bare minimum is never enough, I resented my parents for it and our relationship it's very strained to this day.

 

[isocoma]

@sarada Your feelings and experiences are absolutely valid.

I grew up often with less than the minimum and I'm happy, healthy, and thriving. I had two kids of my own and we were broke at times but never impoverished. There's another take on things.

But let me reiterate that your life and view are 100% valid and my presenting another view is absolutely not trying to invalidate or minimize that. My baby brother has the same mom as me and I think he feels like you do and he had way more than I ever did but the bare minimum. I resent her for having him, not because of the poverty but because she was unhealthy and used him as a little live in care taker. That wasn't fair.

 

[texas_flood]

@sarada I, actually grew up poor to the point of my parents going hungry to feed us or hunting/fishing just so we would have something for dinner.

I don’t hold it against my parents

They never truly let us know how close we were to starving, and put us above themselves. My mother in particular was wonderful at making things like couponing into games, and picking veggies etc.

 

[strange1]

@perpetuah Does your s/o know what your doctor has said about trying now, and how big your desire for kids is?

 

[perpetuah]

@strange1 Yes, and yes. He does. His response is what do you want me to do about this, I can’t help our situation any more than I am

 

[resjudicata]

@perpetuah I think he’s just as sad as you. I wouldn’t suggest breaking it off. I think he’s trying to stay rational but have a kid once there’s light at the end of the tunnel. He probably wants to offer the kid a good life which is honorable instead of just having one which will lead to more suffering, especially on the kids part.

 

[perpetuah]

@resjudicata I do agree and absolutely think this is his sentiment. He is a very reasonable/rational man overall and doesn't make decisions lightly. Thank you for your response!

 

[strange1]

@perpetuah I see. Sorry you’re going through this. I think you’d make a great parent, and maybe the opportunity will still come for you to do that, maybe it won’t be how you currently expect. I feel like subs like r/relationshipadvice may be able to chime in more, but they wouldn’t understand the financial element—I.e you can’t just freeze your eggs or go to couples counseling.

FWIW, I don’t think you’re being selfish at all. You’ve always wanted a child and you’re having realistic conversations about your desires. Given your financial situation it’s not unreasonable that your partner feels like it’s a bad idea right now, but right now may be your only shot. You and your partner are not aligned on this, so you’re in a situation where you’re figuring out how important is having a child to you and is it worth risking your relationship ending to do everything you can to have it happen. That’s a really stressful place to be in. I would offer to keep having honest conversations with your partner, journal to process your feelings, and be nice to yourself.

 

[resjudicata]

@strange1 Idk I don’t think it would make sense to break it off with her partner, that’s selfish. He’s trying, he just wants that the family has a good life and something to offer to the kid. Stability is important.

 

[strange1]

@resjudicata I don’t think I said she should break it off, just acknowledged everything to consider.

 

[annlovesherfamily]

@resjudicata What happens if they don't get it together in the foreseeable future? He can leave her and have children with someone else and she'll be out of luck.

 

[resjudicata]

@annlovesherfamily Well then it’s best to not have kids. Do you really wanna bring a kid into poverty? Gotta stay rational

 

[resjudicata]

@annlovesherfamily I doubt he’d leave her and thinks the way she does…

 

[empt2]

@perpetuah I am right there with you. I’ve always dreamt about being a mom, as far back as I can remember. But life is just so expensive. I can’t fathom adding the cost of a baby on top of my already staggering monthly bills. And that has me so damn depressed.

 

[holysmoke]

@perpetuah We spent years researching formula/diapers/daycare costs and budgeting to make it work. Despite me being "advanced maternal age" I conceived on the first try both times. Even though I also had diagnosed fertility problems due to Hashimotos Thyroiditis.

We were spending $600 a month on formula, diapers, clothes and medical co-pays. That went up to $2200 a month when they started early start preschool so I could return to work.

I can promise you this: if it doesn't work on paper before the kid is here, it's definitely not gonna work in real life. My son had a mystery ailment at age 2 that cost $20k to figure out what it was from May to September. Co-pays and treatment not covered. We blew our savings. If we didn't have it to spend, he'd have been permanently disabled. In the American Healthcare system, you often have to pay out of pocket if you're in a race against the clock due to long wait times with insurance.

There's no greater pain than being a parent and desperately needing something for your kid you can't afford. I grew up in abject poverty with rotting teeth and a diseased thyroid gland but no insurance so I deal with those consequences today at 40.

 

[cecjolie]

@perpetuah IMO it depends just how much you “can’t afford” to have kids. Like, you’re facing homelessness? Or do you have enough to pay your bills every month on time, and have some left for savings/activities? Do you have fairly reliable jobs/housing? Consider cloth diapers in lieu of disposable diapers. Consider if you qualify for WIC. There’s potential for free children’s clothes on buy-nothing groups on Facebook, or thrift stores for very inexpensive ones. Once Upon a Child is an amazing children’s store where I got most of my kids clothes. If you catch the deals, onesies go for $0.50 each where I am. You don’t need all the fancy toys etc people seem to think you do. You just need a crib, clothing, diapers, and food when you have a little one. A couple toys down the road, which you can even make yourself. My kid likes a sealed water bottle filled with beans way more than her toys. Consider this and redo your budget. I’ll probably get downvoted but I think as long as you can provide the necessities for a child, and you have love and attention to give them, you shouldn’t have to refuse yourself a child just because you’re less wealthy.

Edit: kid not kids, I only have 1.

 

[perpetuah]

@cecjolie We aren’t facing homelessness but we definitely struggle a lot through out the month. I thought we were doing much better than we were starting out, we’ve come a long way after him being laid off. We both have stable jobs and I even have a second part time job for a few extra dollars. We don’t have any left over for savings currently but our housing situation is quite reliable. It just hit me like a brick wall. I will definitely look into what you said here, thank you for being so responsive.

 

[ashish0849]

@perpetuah I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Did the in-depth discussion include a budget review? If there’s really no money remaining after needs and bills, it’s risky to take on the expense of a child, especially for the child.