[31m] Staying in a job that is killing me for a guaranteed RM100k bonus

[dj209]

Hello Redditors! As the title says. 4 more months to the end of the year and if I continue to stay in this deadbeat job, I will get a guaranteed bonus at the end of December.

I’ve been working for the last 10 years mostly in tech. This company I’m working for now is a public listed media conglomerate. I’m working as a regional executive at one of their overseas asian market. Pay is decent (MYR30k/month) and the company covers all overseas expenses.

Problem is that this job has been taking a toll on my mental health since I started early this year. I struggle to find meaning to what the business does and the value it creates for users. I’ve started my own companies before so having a strong sense of purpose is extremely important to me.

Before I took this job, I recently got married 2nd time. Had a kid (3 yo) from my previous marriage. Being a dad changed my perspective of life and everything I work for is for my family. I don’t get to go back home very often (once in 4 months and a 8 hr flight away), and I do miss my wife and kids.

Wife is amazing and super loving. But I feel that it’s unfair that she has to act like a single mom while I’m out making dough.

The only reason that’s keeping me here now is that big money pay check at the end of the year. I’ve lasted 8 months with excruciating mental and emotional stress. But I’m not sure if I should bear out the remaining 4. I’m living in a high COL suburb in KL. Average monthly expenses is RM10k/month, no luxuries. Mortgage is 50% of my total monthly expenses.

My plan next year is to take a career sabbatical and spend more time with family. Taking an easier but lower paying job (< RM5k). Being a responsible father and a loving husband. This 100k will add to this sabbatical fund and go a long way in making that happen. But at the expense of my mental health and family. I’m not sure.

In my life and job, I am usually the one that gives advice. But here it’s my first time seeking advice from the /r/MalaysianPF community. Thank you once again.

 

[christianforumperson]

@dj209 I feel like 100k is worth struggling for 4 more months. You can always decide again later.

 

[phronimos]

@christianforumperson Depends on how much he's struggling though, for you or me it might be worth it, but maybe it's not worth it for him.

 

[caitlincross]

@dj209 I've been where you are now. I wasn't a dad at that point but now I am. All I can say is, RM100K goes a long way further down the road that stretches beyond sucking it up for 4 months.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not minimizing your mental health right now but maybe those without children / family may not understand the depth of not having financial security. It can fuck you up as a parent probably more than a shitty job can.

I took a huge gamble right before I got kids on a startup abroad that was at the cusp of going really big before covid hit the industry badly. I didn't take the payout pre-covid for personal reasons and the lack of financial stability was hell. I lost most of my net worth overnight (millions). I'm stable now but I'll never ever forget that feeling of financial insecurity with young children in tow. There were plenty of dark days and even darker nights.

Good luck!

P.S. Came back to add that I took / am taking a 2-year sabbatical to raise my second kid. Full time stay-at-home-dad while WFH; my wife is back building her business. This has allowed me to raise my children, especially my second younger child, while fixing and rebuilding my mental and physical health. So don't beat yourself up about missing the time. Life has a funny way of working itself out sometimes if you are conscious about your decisions.

 

[papabear2013]

@dj209 Money aside, as an exec, surely you realize that time passes very quickly in the last Q with all the holidays and what not

 

[jodi1028]

@dj209 Sounds to me like you are burned out.

On the argument why you can quit ahead:
Agreed with someone who said that the stress of not having financial stability can also take a great toll on you, especially with no ends on sight. If you are truly sure you won't end up risking your financial stability and you have emergency savings, I'd say you can quit without waiting for that RM100k. Yes, it's a lot. But you are earning RM30k per month, you are in tech, you have high probability to get this RM100k by working in another tech companies (through sign on bonus, comission, etc). As long as you don't take a much lower paying job.

On the argument why you should not quit: 10k per month expenses will exhaust your 100k bonus in less than a year. Has your wife agreed on your plans? If you quit now, your notice period is 1 month. That is essentially just waiting for 3 months. I don't know about your industry but in mine on December everyone takes leave. So you just need to crunch till November.

Have you consider some alternatives like: find another job that is less stressful but still high paying? There are tech jobs that allows you to work remotely and that way you can spend more time with family.

 

[edockens17]

@dj209 The maths don't make sense.. if your 50% of 30k monthly salary is gone on monthly commitments, your 100k bonus only lasts a little more than 6m - before considering taxes.

As a father and a husband, family becomes a priority. Yay and nay will both have its proponents, but you will have to make a decision on your own end (and handle the consequences and repercussions).

Been there, done that. Let me say it is a lot easier to stay in touch with video calls and whatsapp now. Your case is not unique ...consider the thousands stuck in Sg during MCO/CB just to earn dough for the family.

Your wife is no doubt the unsung hero, but likely she has her own support network when you are not around. And likely the fact she does not need to worry about expenses is a big factor for her ease of mind to focus on family and children. So please discuss with her before making a decision - don't just mull this on your own.

Finally going down from 30k to 5k is easier said then done. Unless you are running your own business (another type of headache), you are considered over qualified and likely won't get interviews to even plead your case - short of doctoring your CV.

My advice... don't let the work drive or define you since you are not near family. Don't bring work home when possible and once you are not in rhe office identify activities that can help improve your mood and mental health.
My go to these days - short of meeting friends on weekends is Anime, Netflix, Gaming, YouTube on finance and current affairs etc.

Edit: perhaps look at investing for passive income (dividend stocks etc.) that becomes more useful and helpful when you want to take a sabbatical. Having a positive focus doing research does wonders to pass the time when alone

 

[psalm51mercy]

@edockens17 he worded it poorly. His expenses are 10k. His mortgage (50% of expenses) is about 5k. So the extra 100k would give him a buffer of additional 10 months. And if he takes up a part time job that pays about 5k, his buffer becomes 20 months.

 

[goodisor]

@dj209 OP, I don’t think you need financial advice. Since you can afford it, seek out a life coach or a executive coach. They can help you reframe your mind to focus on things that you might not know is important for you yet. The financial issue (RM100k) and your salary is just a manifestation of all your decision making and belief system that got you to this point. You are making this as the “endgoal” or the big monster you need to fight. But you haven’t yet explored alll the things that led you to this, and where it might lead you next, and whether you want to gp there in the first place. If you need recommendation on a good life coach or executive coach, PM me and I can recommend one that has helped me.

 

[zionpeter]

@dj209 Think of it this way, based on your current spend, 100k buys you another 10 months with mini Bob.

But at the same time I have been there and done that. Mental issue is not to be taken lightly. Ignore those who say to tough it out. They are not you and mental issues culturally has always been taken less seriously in Asia (why can’t you just cheer up and tough it up?)

 

[trevjck9]

@zionpeter Agreed. I used to dismiss mental health as an excuse but after working through countless burnouts, there was a day when I couldn’t physically get out of bed. Found out later it was called depression-led-paralysis. But I think it helps mentally knowing you are going to call it quits after 4 months. The worse feeling is when you want to quit but your circumstances prevent you from doing so. All the best!

 

[noelasa]

@dj209 In my experience, most of the time lower paying job doesn't always lead to less stress. It really depends on the company. Based on your experience I'm sure you're decent with management, getting a manager role (not regional) for about 10-15k probably goes better than some 5k executive job.

 

[arleighc]

@dj209 Okay, just settle the 4 months

 

[blacklagoon]

@dj209 OP, I can say that I truly understand how you feel although I don't get the 100k at the end. Pls, bear for 4 more months and you can take the sabbatical to be with your kids.

My wife and myself are double income households in Sg (migrated from Malaysia to Sg when we were young) and while living cost in Sg are reasonable, the working life is stressful. I'm taking a year off to be a house husband and recharge myself mentally. Has been doing risk and complaint for the last 17yrs and it's super stress.

I implored you to suck it up for another 4 months for the big payday and you will be less stressful when you are not working.

All the best!!

 

[dustybunny]

@dj209 Not related to finance but mental health advice,

Do you do any self love/pamper activities during weekends or during your free time? If not this weekend just go for a beach walk or massage or any form of activity you would do that soothes your mind

 

[sammysamuels]

@dj209 No point having such high salary if its killing you. Your life doesnt worth any amount of money

 

[necromanicide_x]

@dj209 Lmao I mean I understand the mental struggles but this is a no brainer, just hold out, you won't die.

 

[gemlou3]

@necromanicide_x Yes

Unless OP is in danger of some major illness like stroke, heart attack or suicide, four months for 100K is a good tradeoff

 

[hempbead01]

@dj209 Most will advise to stay as 4 months will pass by quickly. But are you sure it is guaranteed? Some point to consider:
1. Going down from 30K to about 5K salary (assumption) is a huge downgrade. Are you sure about that? What about ur wife?
2. Have you stayed with your wife for a long time before? I asked because you will be together for most of the time. It will be totally different than staying for few days. I have friends that divorce their spouse during MCO as they cannot tolerate once being together 24/7.
3. Can you learn to love your job? Life is tough these days and with a salary like yours it is very substantial to just throw away.
Anyways, i wish you all the best. When in doubt, follow your heart.. cheers.

 

[naturalisbest]

@dj209 Have passion and with persereverence you will get there.Do no forget Grit. This will carry u places. Your 8 hours is OK. I worked 16 years worldwide in jungles and offshore including 2 years in Europe training European engineers. Now invested and relaxing. Aged 77 and still working. Besides 16 years overseas spent 8 years studying overseas.